Day 82: Istanbul, September 21st.

The last day of my brown vans. I’ll have to buy some more. I woke around 10 and met the Kiwis at breakfast and paid my debt to Norman. I decided to do my own thing today. There were lots of new people in the hostel and I recommended some stuff to them as the old hand and expert.

Shortly before midday I headed off to Dolmabahçe palace on foot. It was 600TL to get in. I walked the halls. Most were pretty nice, but not mind-blowing. There was one huge entrance hall which blew me away but I couldn’t take photos. The outside of the palace and the view was pretty spectacular. I finished the Salamlik then went to the painting museum.

These paintings were not all to my taste. There’s only so many portraits of Sultans and their wives that one person can stand. However a few rooms contained huge landscape and battle scenes and several with spectacular sunsets and lightning, which looked almost photorealistic. I enjoyed them.

Then I explored the harem section. Nice enough, but more of the same. I then decided to book myself a haman for later. Since they didn’t respond to whatsapp I decided to just walk in. I went to Beyoglu Haman which Guernsey guy had recommended as a cheap option. It was a little grotty, but definitely cheap. As soon as I arrived the proprietor told me to get changed. Okay.

I still didn’t know whether you were supposed to get completely naked in these places so I kept my boxers on. That was the last time I ever wore them. Clad in a towel and some sliders I was sent into a room replete with sauna and hot marble slab. I didn’t know what I was supposed to do so spent ten mins wondering about and sitting in the sauna.

Eventually a guy came in, also clad in a towel and slippers. He had me sit down on a foam mat atop the slab, then showered me with buckets of hot water. This, and what followed, all felt cleansing - but being in such a dimly lit, windowless, slightly dirty room also felt a bit like I was in a torture chamber. He had to keep telling me to relax.

He pulled out a bag filled with soapy bubbles and smothered me in it multiple times. I was then massaged front and back, top to bottom, resoaped and resoaked, and had my dead skin scrubbed off. He was amazed at the amount which emerged. Afterwards I was told to remove my boxers and persuaded to throw them in a bin. Goodbye boxers.

I sat in a dry towel outside the room and had a tea as I waited for a second oil massage. When the masseuse had finished his smoke (a high quality place), I was led into a side room with a soft bed and space for your face to go in a hole. Here, with the door to the main entrance still open, I received a long massage with oils, one buttcheek open to the elements at all times, and when I turned over, a brief glimpse of penis for my lucky masseuse.

He massaged hard, and as he had a big belly it pressed into the top of my head as he got my upper back. It was an intense experience, but afterwards I felt young and new. Fresh enough to face my long journey tomorrow.

In this fresh state I wondered down to the river and got a whole fish sandwich (or wrap in this case) to myself. It was even nicer than the first one I’d had. Result! I caught a tram over to the university where there was a second-hand book bazaar. I bought a very short work by Kafka, and a longer one by Dostoevsky. I’m so cultured.

After that I went back through the grand bazaar down to the Egyptian bazaar. I ended up spending too much on dried fruit, despite getting them to remove 2/3rds of the stuff they were trying to sell me from my bag. Scams all round. But the fruit was good.

After eating and reading for a while I re-crossed the river, bought some corn, caught a tram, then walked back to the hostel. I made a Greece insta post then went up to the bar.

I started drinking, then a little more, then a little more. I met a couple of Americans fresh off Oktoberfest. We did another countries based pub quiz. This time I came second. Lots of the wrong answers were mine! The team who beat me was Tom, Becca and a Norwegian guy from the bunk below me. I got one of their winning cocktails, then we all signed up for the bar crawl. I was drunk.

Becca and the Americans came. They kept trying to leave and coming back. I said goodbye many times. I danced with Anne, and had a good convo with the kiwi girl. Mid conversation I excused myself as I felt sick. I headed to the bathroom and vomited. Then I sat on the toilet… and drifted off to sleep…

Video of this day